Manliness!
by Version 1
Summary: The epic adventure, of this epic tale, of the most epic and manliest man in the fighting game and anime continues!
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to "Manliness!" This story isn't set in any particular timeline within the BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger story. This story is about one man. One man, whose manliness transcends human comprehension. He is the manliest fighting game character of all time, Bang Shishigami!

Disclaimer: I do not own BlazBlue or any of its characters or likenesses, and they are the property of Arc System Works and Aksys.

Now, lets get this started...

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Inside the women's bathhouse of Ronin-Gai, vibrant young women of immeasurable beauty bathed within its walls. They cleansed their curvaceous bodies in the warm, scented baths, and soaked themselves under the hot showers while scrubbing their baby-smooth skin with soft, wet towels as they casually socialized about life's problems. They enjoyed the social and peaceful atmosphere, but outside the walls of this paradise, the ninjas of Ronin-Gai lurked in the shadows under the night sky, risking their very necks to protect its citizens.

"Uh boss, do you think we should be doing this?" Green Ninja question.

"Yeah, shouldn't we be chasing after Jin Kisaragi?" Blue Ninja

The muscular man wore a red scarf and carried giant nail on his back. His grin as confident as any, and his bulging muscles were brimming with energy. When he turned to his three ninja subordinates, it was none other than the leader of the Ikaruga Clan, the manliest man, Bang Shishigami. "Do not worry about that horrible fiend, men. There will be another opportunity to catch the man who destroyed our home of Ikaruga!" Bang Shishigami proclaimed with determination in his eyes, and flames of manliness resonating from his chiseled muscular frame as he clenched his mighty fist of justice. "But first, we must rejuvenate our passion for protecting the ones we love!"

"Oh, so that's why we're peeping on the women's bathhouse?" Red Ninja asked, while his might and fearless leader, Bang Shishigami, peeked through a little hole into the women's bathhouse.

The manly ninja then retorted, "W-w-what are you saying? We are merely observing one of Ronin-Gai's most important landmarks in order to ensure that there are no evil-doers lurking about!" He then took up a proud pose with his bulging arms crossed over his manly chest, "Besides, I, Bang Shishigami, would not stoop to the level of a lowly pervert!"

"Whatever you say, boss," Red Ninja gestured.

"Don't worry boss, we got you covered!" Green Ninja added.

"That's right boss! As long as you're around, these young, beautiful, naked women have nothing to worry about!" Blue Ninja insinuated.

All of Bang's subordinates gave him a reassuring wink and thumbs up, while manliest of men found his face suddenly beginning to turn bright red with smoke coming out of his ears, "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

Suddenly, Yellow Ninja came running up to them yelling, "BOSS!"

Bang's red face instantly turned back to its normal, tan complexion and the confident grin returned to his face, "Our scout has returned."

Yellow Ninja ran up to the statue of a Greek god known as Bang Shishigami, cinched over in fatigue as he tried to deliver his message, "Boss...huff...the bathhouse...huff..."

"What is it, Yellow Ninja! What about the bathhouse? Is that unforgivable bastard Jin Kisaragi in there?"

"Huff...huff...No, that's not it...huff..."

"THEN WHAT IS IT?" Bang shouted in a demanding voice.

The yellow ninja then finally came out and said it, "They're turning the women's bath house into a mixed bathhouse!"

Astonishment came over the ninjas' faces. Almost unable to comprehend such wonderful news, had to be sure that what his subordinate was saying was true, "Are you sure what you're saying is true, Yellow Ninja?"

Yellow Ninja nodded his head in excitement, "The proprietor said the bathhouse wasn't making enough money, so tomorrow it's going to be an open to everyone! But for tonight only, she invited us to join the ladies in the bathhouse for free!"

The man's man, Bang Shishigami, did not know the meaning of 'proprietor.' But what he did know was that his days of being a peeping tom were over. Tears of joy and happiness began pouring down his ruggedly handsome face. _The gods have finally answered my prayers!_ Bang then lost his composure, and his imagination went wild. The thought of a woman's smooth and silky skin, their slender and curvaceous figures, their round and supple backsides, and their large buxom bosoms. He thoughts then wondered to the face of the 'oriental flower' that stunned him at first sight. The woman who stole his heart, and whom he would soon confess his unrequited love to. The beautiful and voluptuous Miss Li-.

"Uh, boss...?" Red Ninja said tapping the mighty and powerful shoulder of Bang Shishigami.

The manly Bang suddenly snapped back to reality, "Huh?" He found a trail of saliva running down his chin, and himself the center of unwanted attention. Men, women and children were scattered around peering at him in bewilderment. "W-what was I doing?" he nervously asked his loyal followers.

Blue answered discreetly, "You were daydreaming again, boss. And you were making some weird, perverted squeezing motion with you're hands."

"And you kept saying 'boobies' too," Green Ninja added in.

Overcome with embarrassment, Bang tried to explain himself, "Um...Uh...You see I..." As intelligent and cunning as Bang Shishigami was, he couldn't think of an excuse to clear up the confusion. Suddenly, a light bulb flashed over his head. "Look over there, the Library is coming!" he shouted, pointed his finger off into the distance. For the moment the people turned their attention away from him, the manliest ninja in the universe shouted out the name of his technique, "Bang Shishigami Beginning Technique: DISAPPEAR!" He threw a pellet on the ground, and a burst of smoke flooded the area. The citizens of Ronin-Gai began coughing and covered their mouths to shield themselves from the smoke. But when the smoke finally cleared, their was but one man who was still coughing. One man whose cough was so loud and so manly, that he was on fours choking half to death on his own smoke pellet, "Cough, cough, cough! Oh jeez, those smoke pellets are bad for your lungs!" He then noticed that everyone was still staring at him, and his fellow ninjas were nowhere to be found, "AH CRAP!"

* * *

At the front gate of the bathhouse, the fearless Bang Shishigami and his four Ikaruga ninjas stood outside, ready to embrace what was to come. "You're absolutely sure that the owner invited us, Yellow Ninja?" Bang questioned looking back at his comrade.

"Of course! In fact, she said that it would be wonderful if you came to bathe in the bathhouse!" Yellow Ninja exclaimed.

"Hmph. As a man, I cannot turn down such a humble request," Bang said with a delighted smirk on his face. He then struck a triumphant pose and pointed his finger at the double sliding doors before them and leaded with a commanding voice, "March forward, men, and claim the 'spoils' you have been denied for so many years!"

"Yeah! Tonight, we finally get to lose our virginities!" Blue Ninja shouted.

The ninjas raised their fists once more, "HOO-AH!"

* * *

The front doors of the bathhouse slowly crept open. The wild and awesome hair of Bang Shishigami carefully poked around the corner, and his keen eyes scanned the room before within the walls. There were several chairs lined against the wall and pots with small bamboo plants at the corners of the room. And near the back, there was a desk with a bell, an open book and a pen. The manly ninja then jumped into plain sight with shuriken in hand, and his eyes leering from side-to-side. He then put the shuriken back into his sleeve, and signaled for his men, who suddenly appeared right behind him. The cool and confident Bang Shishigami then let out a sigh before he and his ninjas bravely walked into the complex, as if they were stepping on holy ground, or treading onto enemy soil.

"Keep your eyes sharp, men. This could be a trap," the manliest ninja of all cautioned.

Bang and his fellow allies of justice walked up to the desk. It was quiet. Too quiet. So quiet, that when an eerie wind blew through the open door, the thrilling sensation made them feel like they were walking right into an ambush. Bang then tapped the bell on the desk, which made a subtle 'ding' echo through the room, "Helloooo! Is anybody here?"

A tiny old lady popped out of nowhere, "WELCOME!"

"HOLY CRAP!" The unflinching Bang Shishigami fell to the floor, holding onto the tail of his startled and cowardly soul, trying to prevent it from escaping his muscular and ever so manly frame.

The tiny old lady stood on her desk looking at the tower of a man whom she toppled, "My name is Kagura Matsuhara, and I am the proprietor of the Matsuhara Bathhouse."

There was that word again, 'proprietor.' It's meaning eluded Bang Shishigami's understanding. Perhaps it was a servant of some sort. Whatever it may be, it didn't matter. What did matter was that the leader of the Ikaruga Clan had to return her kindness and introduce himself. Bang quickly hopped back onto his feet with his hands on his hips, "It is a pleasure to meet you Miss Matsuhara. I am Bang Shishigami. Me and my men have come to cleanse our bodies in your lovely bathhouse, ma'am."

"Ah, yes! I've been expecting you." The tiny old lady clapped her hands.

From the back room, four beautiful geishas walked up on both sides of the registration and bowed their heads. "Welcome, masters." They all greeted in perfect unison and semetry. The ninjas, behind their manliest of ninja masters, were giddy over the beauty and cuteness the geishas.

"I-I can't believe they just called us 'm-m-masters,'" Yellow Ninja stuttered, blushing completely through his mask.

Huge globs of tears ran down Red Ninja's face, "I'm so happy, I can almost die!"

The tiny and aged Kagura pointed down at the open book before her, "Please sign the registration book."

"Ah, but of course," Bang grabbed the pen, and tried as best he could to sign his name. But one thing he his master neglected to teach him was the art of writing, and signing one's own name. The manly ninja master began to sweat profusely in his epic struggle to remember how to 'Bang.'

Nineteen minutes and thirty-seven second later...

"YES, I DID IT!" the smart and intelligent Bang Shishigami, had finally finished writing his name in the registration book.

"Oh finally! I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to prepare my death bed," the nice, old Miss Matsuhara said with a sigh of relief. When she picked up the registration book and looked at it, she became astonished, as if she had suddenly bared witness to the art of how a true man should sign his name. Mesmerized and completely speechless, she dropped the book back onto her desk. "Pl-please, come this way!" she enthusiastically said as she hopped off the table, with everyone else following suit. But one had to wonder, what could the mighty and proud leader of the Ikaruga Clan, Bang Shishigami, have put in that registration book that would amaze the owner of the bathhouse. A well-drawn sketch of the manliest man who ever lived - Chuck Norris.

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(A/N): Well, that concludes the first chapter of my story. But its nice to read some good stories about the familiar characters we know and love, and find inspiration in them. Anyways, this is my first real attempt at a comedy, so I hope everyone who read so far enjoyed my bad writing and got a good laugh out of it so far. R&R, feedback and constructive criticism will be appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome back to the manliest tory of ALL TIME, **"MANLINESS!"**

We now return to the bathhouse, where our manly hero, Bang Shishigami, continues his epic quest...

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Before a pair of sliding doors, the pure awesomeness that was Bang Shishigami stood mightily with his band of fellow ninjas, who wore nothing but virgin white towels around their wastes, and their colored masks.

"Would you like a towel Mr. Shishigami?" Miss Matsuhara asked the towering man of men.

Bang shook his head with a confident smirk on his face, "Thanks for the offer, but I must decline, for I would not want any obstacle, no matter how small or feeble, to stop the beauties of Ronin-Gai sampling my 'manly sauce!'" He who stood triumphantly with his hands on his hips, wearing nothing but the red scarf around his neck that was mysteriously flapping in the nonexistent wind, and red underwear, and covered by an aura of uncontainable optimism, courage, and golden light.

"You're so awesome, boss!" Yellow Ninja excitedly complemented.

"No woman can resist a ninja as manly as you!" Blue Ninja cheered.

Bang then struck a mighty pose, pointing at the sliding doors before them, "Let this mark a great victory for the Ikaruga Clan, men, for we can finally cohabitate in the same bath with the women!"

The old Kagura Matsuhara chuckled with mischief, "The women here will be very pleased to know you fine gentlemen will be keeping them company." She then opened the sliding doors opened for the ninjas of Ikaruga, as if opening the door to their destiny...their fate.

As the sliding doors opened, and a blinding light poured into the bathhouse. In the midst of that light stood the silhouette of a man and his cronies. But this wasn't the silhouette of an ordinary man. "Do not fret fair maidens! For it is I, the protector of Ronin-Gai, the defender of Kagatsuchi, and the vigilante of LOVE AND JUSTICE, BANG SHISHIGAMI!"

Suddenly, there were hearts in the eyes of every single woman in the large bath, for they simply couldn't preserve their modesty at the sight of a man as manly as Bang Shihigami.

"Oh my god, It's Bang!"

"Make love to me, Bang!"

"Have my babies!"

The beautiful women stampeded towards the man's man wearing only his red underwear, caressing his rock-hard Torso Track abs, and embracing his bulging arms, marveling his Bow Flex biceps. The awesomeness that is Bang Shishigami tried to keep his own modesty and composure in their seductive presence, "Please young ladies, one at a time."

* * *

"Uh, boss," Red Ninja said as he tapped on the mighty Bang Shishigami's shoulder.

The pure awesome sauce that everyone on planet Earth referred to as, 'Bang Shishigami,' snapped back into reality with a bewildered look on his face, "Huh? Wh-what just happened?"

"You were daydreaming again," Yellow Ninja explained.

"Oh, is that so?" Bang said rubbing his scruffy chin with his thumb and index finger.

"Mr. Shishigami, would you like a bar of soap? Or perhaps a stick of Old Spice deodorant?"

"Huh?" Bang's left eyebrow cocked and looked down at the old proprietor, who was wearing a gas mask, in puzzlement. "Are you trying to insult me?"

"N-no, no, I'm just saying th-that maybe the women will be more attracted to you...if you smelled a bit...nicer." Miss Matsuhara had trouble getting the right words out without sounding rude.

Bang shook his head with a confident smirk on his face, "Thanks for the offer, but I must decline, for I, Bang Shishigami, do not need such trivial hygiene products for women to embrace my manly chest!" He stood triumphantly with his hands on his hips, wearing nothing but the red scarf around his neck that was flapping in the nonexistent wind, and red underwear, and covered by an aura of uncontainable optimism, courage, and toxic fumes.

"Boss, maybe you should take her up on her offer," Green ninja whispered into Bang's left ear.

"Yeah, Boss! You can't go wrong with Old Spice," Blue Ninja whispered into his right ear.

The great leader of the Ikaruga ninjas grew irritated by their insistence, "Don't be foolish! I don't need any Old Spice deodorant!" Bang then struck a mighty pose, pointing at the sliding doors before them, "Now! Let this mark a great victory for the Ikaruga Clan, men, for we can finally cohabitate in the same bath with the women!"

Miss Matsuhara sighed under her gas mask, "If you insist..." She then opened the sliding doors opened for the ninjas of Ikaruga, as if opening the door to their destiny...their fate.

* * *

As the sliding doors opened, green noxious clouds poured into the bathhouse. In the midst of the thick toxic fumes stood the silhouette of a man and his cronies. But this wasn't the silhouette of an ordinary man. "Do not fret fair maidens! For it is I, the protector of Ronin-Gai, the defender of Kagatsuchi, and the vigilante of LOVE AND JUSTICE, BANG SHISHIGAMI!"

Suddenly, every woman in the bath pinched their noses as Bang Shishigami's manly and awesome aura invaded their delicate nostrils.

"Oh my god, what is that smell?"

"Your Bang Shishigami? Ugh! Gross!"

"Please someone give that pervert a bar of soap!"

Suddenly, a look of dismay came over Bang Shishigami's rugged and manly face as every woman in the bathhouse hurled a barrage of soap bars at him, and a stick of Old Spice deodorant that smacked him in the face. The manliest of all men didn't understand. How they could reject him? "I-I don't understand! How can they reject me?"

All of the woman then stampeded past the man's man wearing only his red scarf and underwear, and tended to his lowly lackeys. The women caressed their lackluster abs, and embraced their twig-like arms, which seemed devoid of anything that could even be called a 'bicep.'

"Oh, you're such a strong and handsome man!"

"Why don't you take off that mask so we can get to know each other a little better."

"I like you better with the mask on. It makes you so mysterious."

The words of Ronin-Gai's most beautiful women were as smooth as silk, and the ninjas ignored any instinct that would tell them to resist their seductive passes.

Blue Ninja looked up to the deities above with tears of joy in his eyes, "This must be heaven!"

Bang Shishigami extended his omnipotent hand towards his men, "WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT ABOUT ME?"

Yellow Ninja tried to make up an excuse, "Uh, s-sorry Master Bang, but we, uh-"

The beauty clinging to yellow Ninja's scrawny arm then cut him off, "He doesn't have to answer to a lose like you!"

"L-loser!" The mighty Bang Shishigami fell into shock, as he imagined the word '**LOSER**' is big, bold, capital letters being branded on his forehead just above his wickedly cool scar.

"W-We're really sorry boss!" Green Ninja apologized.

God's gift to not just women, but the earth itself, Bang Shishigami, had been cast aside by his most loyal followers, and rejected by the most beautiful women of Ronin-Gai. But our hero, Bang Shishigami was no ordinary man. He was a _"REAL man."_ And he did what any _"REAL man"_ would do in this situation.

"Sniff...They betrayed me...sniff sniff...I can't believe they betrayed me...sniff...for those...those cheap wenches!" The heroically confident Bang Shishigami secluded himself in the furthest corner of the bath and degenerated into a sobbing, whiny, little idiot. He tried wipe away his manly tears with his muscular forearm, but his manly tears flowed down his masculine, god-like face like the Niagara Falls...or some other famous waterfall.

Miss Matsuhara patted Bang on his awesomely muscular back, "There, there. Try not to look so down Mr. Shishigami." The generous proprietor then pulled a corked bottle of sake from the sleeve of her kimono, "Here, take a sip of this. It might make you feel better."

"Sniff...Okay," Bang Shishigami swiped the bottle from old Matsuhara, popped to cork with his thumb, and put it his lips and took a mighty gulp of the alcoholic beverage. Before he could swallow, his eyes popped wide-open and he sprayed the drink out of his mouth, "My god! This sake tastes like cat piss!"

"Yes, it's good isn't it?" the bathhouse proprietor happily asked.

"This isn't good at all!...It's FANTASTIC!" Bang's mood instantly changed from that of a sobbing, whiney, little idiot to that of an idiot with a rejuvenated passion for life, "It's so elegant and rich in flavor. I haven't had any sake like this since...since the day became a man!"

As the awesome of hero of my story, Bang Shishigami, began blissfully reminiscing of the day he became a man with his lips pinched around the bottle of sake, a kitten of the Kaka Clan then tugged on the sleeve of the tiny old lady's kimono, "Can I go home neow, Old Lady?"

"Yes you may, dear," the old proprietor replied, extending her short arm out to the cute and cuddly genetically-engineered killing machine with a fish in hand as a token of gratitude.

"Oh boy, tuna! Thanks Old Lady!"

The Kaka kitten snatched the fish from Miss Matsuhara's hand and shot out of the bathhouse like a bullet. "Kids these days are so full of energy, isn't that right Mr. Shishigami?" The owner of the bathhouse looked over at the one and only thing that was more awesome than Captain Falcon for a reply, only to find that 'thing' that was more awesome than Captain Falcon was entranced in a nostalgic euphoria.

The old lady then looked over to the beauty seducing Blue Ninja, giving him a shoulder message with her near-exposed bosom pressed against his back. The two looked at each other. First the proprietor nodded her head, before the beauty returned it. The beauty then pressed his chest harder against his back and whispered in his ear, "Your neck feels a little stiff. Why don't I loosen it up for you..."

In a deep red blush that was showing through Blue Ninja's mask, and couldn't resist her offer, "P-p-please! Don't hold back!"

"Don't worry, I won't." After she whispered those silk words into Blue Ninja's ear, she wrapped a thin wire around his neck and began to strangle him. Blue Ninja's blushing red face was now turning, um...blue.

Yellow Ninja jumped to his feet, "Hey, what's going-!" The rest of ninjas of Ikaruga then found themselves being strangled by smokin' hot babes of Ronin-Gai.

"What the-!" The vigilante of love and justice through aside his intoxicating bottle of cat piss, stood up and pointed his mighty and powerful index finger vengeance at the beauties, "UNHAND MY MEN YOU SHAMELESS HARLOTS!"

Without warning, the manliest ninja in all of Kagatsuchi was being choked with his own red scarf. But who could possibly have the physical strength to use our hero's own scarf to cut off the flow of oxygen in his body? It was none other than the proprietor of the bathhouse herself, Miss Matsuhara, plopped onto our hero's finely-conditioned shoulders, "Oh-ho-ho-ho! You let your guard down, Mr. Shishigami!"

The mighty Bang Shishigami kung-fu gripped his red scarf, violently swinging around in a valiant effort to throw the tiny old lady off, but old Miss Matsuhara strangled him with the strength of a god. Our hero could only speak what few words he could muster , "W-Why...are you doing...this?"

Kagura Matsuhara tightened the scarf around Bang's ever so muscular neck, "If Master Tenjou hadn't gone senile in his old age, he would have chose my husband to lead our people, and the Matsuhara Clan would have protected Ikaruga from the Library!" A tears of regret and hate dropped from the old proprietor's wrinkled cheek, "But instead, he chose an moron like you, instead...AND OUR HUSBANDS DIED UNDER YOUR COMMAND!"

It was then that the strength left the ultimate ninja master's body, and he fell to his knees. His grip on his red scarf weakened, and he began to reflect on his life's failures. The death of Master Tenjou at the hands of his mortal enemy, Jin Kisaragi. The fall of Ikaruga under his watchful eyes. That time he tried to get his subordinates laid at a bathhouse that just happened to be a front for a gang of angry housewives who were out for revenge. It became clear that his own life was one big, epic fail. It was so depressing that if he wasn't already being strangled to death with his own scarf, he would have used it to hang himself. Then again, he probably would have failed at that too.

His solid, muscular frame toppled over, and his vision began to tunnel. As everything was becoming dark, he could only watch his men die in front of him at the hands of vengeful temptresses. _'This is the end. Forgive me, Master Tenjou. I have failed you.'_

_

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A/N: To the people who were looking foward to reading the continuation of my story, sorry for the late entry(about 7 or 8 months late). I hope you guys liked the copy/paste job(...actually, that sounds kind of gross.). I know, this story isn't exactly a "good" example of grammer and writing. Then again, it was never meant to be. I hope you, the readers, got a good laugh out of it, and forgive me if my portrayal of Bang Shishigami isn't spot on.

Anyways, the epic conclusion of **"MANLINESS!"** is near! Is our manly hero, Bang Shishigami, still alive? Will the dastardly Jin Kisaragi ever pay for his crimes against to people of Ikaruga? Will the loyal ninjas of Ikaruga ever get laid? Find out next time in the of epic, grand finale of **"MANLINESS!"**


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